Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson stated that he doesn’t think a Muslim should ever be US president. Donald Trump defended Carson by saying, “surely he only meant Muslim women.”
My Wurst Joke
Germany is about to host Oktoberfest, and they will designate the first Sunday as a Gay Pride event. It’s the only day of the 2-week festival that’s in no danger of running out of sausages.
On The House
Donald Trump says he will reject the $400,000 yearly salary if elected president. You see, even he knows what a Trump presidency is worth.
Put It Away
A Georgia woman was asked to leave an LA Fitness when she was spotted publicly breast feeding her child. The mother claims her rights were violated, while the gym manager insists he was simply enforcing their “no outside food or drink” policy.
Stop and Smell the Toes-es
At Florida International University, a man was arrested for crawling under library tables and smelling a woman’s feet. In response to the incident, students are now advised to wear double-ply socks to class.
Time Served
A 14-year-old Muslim boy was detained for bringing a “hoax bomb” to class, when it was just a homemade clock. The police and school administration are now trying to convince the boy’s family that it was only a “hoax arrest.”
Hit and Run
I woke up this morning next to a stranger, so I quietly gathered my things and let myself out. I’ve got to stop doing this. This is the second apartment I’ve lost this way.
The Smart Kid
I got caught cheating on my DNA test. They were able to figure it out because I had the exact same results as the billy goat sitting in front of me.
The Fountainhead
A JetBlue passenger relieved himself on fellow travelers during an Oregon-bound flight yesterday. As a preventative move, the TSA is now implementing a carry-on limit of only 4 fl oz of urine per passenger.
Why Can’t You Behave
A Hungarian camerawoman publicly apologized for tripping and kicking Syrian refugees as they fled police last Tuesday. “We feel she has learned her lesson and should now be allowed to move on with her life,” said Bill Cosby and Walter Palmer, the lion killer.