Yesterday Aretha Franklin took so long to sing the national anthem that by the time she was done the Detroit Lions had already won the game.
Category Archives: sports
Do the Swim
Ryan Lochte’s performance on Dancing with the Stars was disrupted by two protesters. Lochte was so shaken by the incident that he ran back to his dressing room, tore a poster of the wall and peed in the trash can.
Intentional Grounding
Yesterday Seahawks Jeremy Lane joined 49ers Colin Kaepernick by sitting down during the national anthem. Despite the negative press, both men have been offered lucrative endorsement deals with LaZboy chairs.
O Say Can You Sit
Quarterback Colin Kaepernick says he will continue to sit during the national anthem in protest of racial injustice in America. Being that Kaepernick’s parents were mixed-race, coach Kelly has asked Colin if he would compromise by standing on one leg.
Them’s Fightin’ Words
U.S. Soccer suspended goalkeeper Hope Solo for 6 months after calling the Swedish team “a bunch of cowards.” Despite this display of poor sportsmanship, she’s already lined up a job as Donald Trump’s new campaign manager.
Out of the Pool
Ryan Lochte lost his Speedo endorsement as a result of his bad behavior in Rio last week.
The swimsuit company no longer wishes to cover his ass.
I’ll Pass
English pop singer Adele turned down an offer to perform at this year’s Super Bowl half-time show. She said she’s never really been a fan of soccer.
Golden Boy
People are calling Michael Phelps the greatest Olympian of all time. Past US gold medalists Carl Lewis and Mary Lou Retton are in total agreement, however Bruce Jenner was unavailable for comment.
This Ain’t the Ritz
Several athletes have complained about their lodgings in Rio’s Olympic Village. One gymnast grew furious when the front desk accidentally gave away his room overlooking the river of raw sewage.
I Go To Pee-o
The waterways of Rio de Janeiro are so filthy right now that even the bacteria doesn’t want to go swimming.