It’s never too early to start thinking about your retirement. That’s why I moved to Florida when I turned 18.
Category Archives: lifestyles
Job Hunters
Donald Jr. And Eric Trump will be busy running their father’s business while he is president. It’s a radical change to their usual schedule, which involves flying to Zimbabwe and murdering animals for fun.
The Price of Love
The cost of raising a child has been calculated at roughly $233,000. Just to put that in perspective, you can get 233 vasectomies for that kind of money.
Bosom Baddies
A California man serving a life sentence for murder has received sex re-assignment surgery and will be transferred to a women’s prison. Tom Hanks is already looking at a preliminary script.
Who Asked You
The problem with social media is that everyone thinks their opinion matters and needs to be heard. Well that’s my 2 cents.
Not in My Lifetime
A study has shown that life expectancy for Americans has decreased by one month. It seems that some people will do anything not to see Donald Trump inaugurated next January.
At Least They’re Not Raisins
Not one kid knocked on my door asking for candy this Halloween. Now I’m gonna have to eat all these razor blades.
SPF 1000
I couldn’t get any work done today with all the burkinis out by the pool.
Word of Mouth
The Associated Press reported that there is no scientific evidence to support the benefits of flossing. “I knew it!” said Gummy McNoTeeth.
Bite me, Bruh
Mosquitoes carrying the Zika virus have been detected in the trendy urban arts district of Wynwood, Miami, giving me yet another reason to hate hipsters.