I have been stealing my neighbor’s morning newspaper for over a month. I know it’s not right, but if you ran an indoor bird sanctuary out of your apartment like I do, you’d understand the need.
Monthly Archives: July 2015
Dream Girl
I once yearned for the girl of my dreams, with hopes that she would become the love of my life. But not all dreams come to fruition, and I now simply seek a hoe-bag that tickles my fancy.
Bogeyman
Sometimes late at night I get the feeling there’s a monster under my bed. But then I remember I’m on the top bunk and my roommate is sleeping below me. Silly me. I hope I didn’t wake you, Mr. Cosby.
Unfinished Business
6 months ago I went on a date with my dental hygienist. At the end of the evening she politely told me she wasn’t interested in any future dates. Well, I just received a postcard from her office reminding me it’s time for a cleaning. Sure, maybe she just wants to see if my gums are healthy, but I’m thinking she finally realized how stupid she was.
Before He Cheats
My nutritionist has me on a strict diet, but he allows me a cheat day. On this day I routinely deceive and betray all those who trust me, and then I reward myself with a double fudge sundae. It’s a satisfying end to a week.
Speed Trap
There is a police vehicle parked on my street with some regularity. Every time I see it I slow down even though I usually discover it’s empty. Now why I am expected to obey the speed limit when this officer isn’t even willing to show up for work? Please sign my petition.
Master Chef
My mother thinks that my comedy is tasteless. You should taste her cooking – it’s hilarious.
Out of Date
I once dated an exorcist, but she told me I had too many demons. Then I dated a bellhop and she told me I had too much baggage. Enough of this dating! I’m sticking with prostitutes.
Don’t Be Scurred
I frequently suffer from stage fright. My public speaking coach told me to picture the audience naked when this happens. I tried it. Now I have gymnophobia.
The Girl Next Door
I’m currently having an affair with my neighbor’s wife. Everyday at noon I go over to her house and we make passionate love for sometimes over an hour. It’s a little risky though; Her husband works at home.