The man who pioneered modern-day organ transplant surgery has died at age 90. He leaves behind a wife, 2 kids and a cooler full of unused spleens.
Category Archives: current events
Hail to the Queef
Today Donald Trump celebrates his first month as president. Wow. It seems like just yesterday he had no idea what the hell he was doing.
Most Likely to Succeed
A Wisconsin teen spent $500 on roses and gave one to every girl in his school so they would feel special on Valentine’s Day. This was the first stage of his larger plan, which is to have sex with every girl in his school.
Sally’s Finale
Donald Trump fired Attorney General Sally Yates for defying his Muslim travel ban. Wow. Trump’s ideas are so bad, he even caused a lawyer to do the right thing.
Brilliant Disguise
A Bruce Springsteen cover band is scheduled to perform at Trump’s inauguration. That’s two acts in one day pretending to be the boss.
Job Hunters
Donald Jr. And Eric Trump will be busy running their father’s business while he is president. It’s a radical change to their usual schedule, which involves flying to Zimbabwe and murdering animals for fun.
The Price of Love
The cost of raising a child has been calculated at roughly $233,000. Just to put that in perspective, you can get 233 vasectomies for that kind of money.
In the Tank
Today SeaWorld San Diego is ending its long-running killer whale show after years of public outcry. It will be replaced with a new exhibit showcasing porpoises with non-violent criminal records.
Bosom Baddies
A California man serving a life sentence for murder has received sex re-assignment surgery and will be transferred to a women’s prison. Tom Hanks is already looking at a preliminary script.
Full Plate
Today US intelligence leaders will present Donald Trump with evidence that the Russians hacked our election. Does Trump really have time for this? He’s right in the middle of trying to sue a celebrity chef.