Next year, I resolve to become a better person, and I’m more than halfway there. I’ve already got his social security and credit card numbers.
Monthly Archives: December 2015
Slash That
The original members of Guns n Roses are discussing a reunion tour next year, but concert promoters and investors are insisting that the band must be drug-free. This just in: Guns n Roses will not be touring next year.
I’ll Be Right Out
Hillary Clinton has been named the “most admired woman living in the world” for the 14th consecutive year, according to a Gallup poll. Representatives for Gallup.com were unable to contact Mrs. Clinton about her win because she was taking a crap.
Up with the Lark
Today the world lost Meadowlark Lemon, the “clown prince” of the Harlem Globetrotters. He will be remembered for his agility, his smile, and his humanity – but mostly for pulling down a referee’s pants 4 times a week.
May I Offer You a Banana?
I’ve always had trouble getting women to take me seriously. Maybe I should save the gorilla suit for the second date.
Up All Night
The California Department of Corrections has received several complaints from its inmates stating they are not sleeping well due to clanging gates and guard noises. Some convicts are so tired the next day they can barely muster up the strength to rape their cellmate.
Let’s Wait Awhile
Janet Jackson is postponing her “Unbreakable” tour so that she can have an unspecified surgical procedure. All the dates will be re-scheduled for the spring under the new title – the “Not Quite 100 Percent” tour.
Park It Anywhere
Santa’s gonna be a little late this year. My asshole neighbor just had his sled towed.
Smoke Out
A Florida woman was arrested for beating her husband after repeatedly asking him to stop farting in bed. Most women think he deserved it, but I offer you this in his defense – he is a man and he was in bed.
Cat Out of the Bag
Yesterday hackers broke into the Hello Kitty fan site exposing the personal information of its 30 million users. You may recall this also happening to the Ashley Madison website back in August, making this the second time in 5 months I’ve had to change my passwords.