A man dressed in a panda suit walked into a Baltimore TV station and threatened to blow the place up. Officers wounded the animal and returned him to the zoo.
Monthly Archives: April 2016
Don’t Tempt Me
Former house speaker John Boehner referred to Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh.” Lucifer is now suing Boehner for defamation of character.
Cruz Control
In an unusual move, Ted Cruz named Carly Fiorina his VP pick before even securing the presidential nomination. Even more strange, he chose Ben Carson to head the Department of Energy.
No Holds Barred
Former house speaker Dennis Hastert is awaiting sentencing in the hush money/sex abuse case currently against him. He is hoping for an aquittal so he can get back to doing what he loves – coaching boys wrestling.
Heels on Wheels
Audi has designed a car with a detachable skateboard in the back, allowing the driver to seamlessly transition from pretentious douchebag to apathetic punk.
Freshly Squeezed
Beyoncé surprised the world with a new release entitled “Lemonade.” It was recorded around the corner from Kanye West’s home studio, where fudge is made.
Play Dead
Yesterday was the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death. In remembrance, I’ve been spending the afternoon re-reading several of his greatest CliffsNotes.
Mad Props
In Nogales, Ariz., a watermelon truck was stopped and searched, revealing 7 tons of marijuana. In other news, comedian Leo Gallagher has cancelled his show in Tucson this evening.
Game of Thrones
First B.B. King, then Ben E. King, and now Prince. I hope Queen Latifah has good health insurance.
O No She Didn’t
Oprah Winfrey surprised one of her online Weight Watchers classes by showing up in person. She commended their efforts, but suggested they stop meeting in the back room of a Haagen-Dazs.