Sadly, all of my job applications to be a shopping mall Santa were rejected. So this December, I will continue to supplement my income as a second-rate, flea market Krampus.

I got fired today.   My boss told me he was sick of me coming in late and surfing the web during office hours, plus he had received several complaints of me drunk texting co-workers.  Sometimes I feel like the world just doesn’t want me to succeed.

When I tell people that I want to be a professional comedian they usually say something like, “Good for you, but don’t quit your day job.”  I then assure them that I won’t, because I don’t have one.