People are fascinated by how thousands of fire ants merged together forming a “life raft” in order to survive the recent floods in South Carolina. But when I try to grab a woman’s leg underwater at the university swimming pool, I get sent home.
Ben There, Done Matt
Matt Damon makes himself at home on Mars in his new film “The Martian.” It’s a much better movie than “Bostonians in Space”, in which Ben Affleck pitches a tent on Uranus.
Stone Cold Pope-in’
It seems that Pope Francis did indeed visit with homophobic Kentucky clerk Kim Davis before departing America. Next time, Holy Father, could you fart after you leave the room?
Cheeseburger with Parasites
Yesterday I was food poisoned at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville restaurant. Now some people claim that there’s a prep cook to blame, but I think it’s the head chef’s fault.
(Note: The events in the above posting are false. It is the author of the posting that is full of shit, and not Jimmy’s burgers.)
The Waterboy
Last night I went stand-up paddle boarding. It’s the perfect sport for me because I’m really good at standing, plus I love sweeping.
I Stand Corrected
Yesterday Pope Francis visited a Philadelphia prison, taking time to hug and shake hands with inmates. He returned later that evening for a follow-up visit, after discovering his wallet and wristwatch were missing.
Pass the Tissues
House Speaker John Boehner announced his resignation at the end of the month. He plans on spending more time with his family, self-tanning and openly weeping.
Natural Selection
Republican candidate Ben Carson recently stated that Darwin’s theory of evolution was created by the Devil. That may be so, but it doesn’t change the fact that Carson’s campaign is quickly becoming an endangered species.
Give a Man Enough Pope
This non-stop media coverage of Pope Francis in America is exhausting. Who does he think he is? Donald Trump?
Song for the Ages
The copyright to the tune “Happy Birthday” has finally expired, meaning it can now be used without paying any royalties. Available soon on iTunes – Jon Curtis Rose Sings and Plays ‘Happy Birthday’: Names Starting with ‘A’. I’ve already got an idea for a follow-up album.