Florida governor Rick Scott announced that the trendy Wynwood district of Miami is now clear of Zika-carrying mosquitoes thanks to aggressive aerial-spraying. It was such a success that tomorrow they will begin spraying against the hipsters.
State Secrets
A massive sinkhole in Florida is leaking radioactive material, just like Colin Powell’s hacked email about Israel.
Bad Vibrations
Mark Wahlberg has withdrawn his request to be pardoned for a crime he committed as a juvenile. Instead, he is now seeking amnesty for his years as a South Boston gang leader – the notorious Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
Freaky Freitag
Yesterday Donald Trump told Dr. Oz he hasn’t been to a hospital since he was 11 years old, back when he switched brains with Hitler.
Google It
In an interview last week Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was criticized for asking, “What is Aleppo?” As the election grows closer, voters are now asking, “Who was Gary Johnson?”
Do the Swim
Ryan Lochte’s performance on Dancing with the Stars was disrupted by two protesters. Lochte was so shaken by the incident that he ran back to his dressing room, tore a poster of the wall and peed in the trash can.
Cough It Up
Hillary Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia this past weekend, and now the Democratic Party has a bad case of the shits.
A Little Respect
Today Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump suspended their campaigns to reflect on how America came together after the tragic events of September 11th, 2001. Tomorrow they will resume tearing the country apart.
Leave It to the Pros
Green Party candidate Jill Stein will return to North Dakota to face charges after spray-painting a bulldozer during a civil protest. Hillary Clinton criticized Stein’s unlawful behavior, calling her an “amateur.”
Don’t Answer That
Consumer Alert! Samsung Galaxy Note 7 smart phones have been exploding. They are telling customers to bring the phone back to where they purchased it for a new battery and a complimentary skin graft.