Tonight vice presidential candidates Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will try to convince America why we should vote for their sketchy friend.
Of All the Gin Joints
Lady Gaga will promote her new album by performing at 3 undisclosed dive bars this week. Madonna loves the new album and is hoping that Gaga chooses to come play at the bar where she works.
Fade Out
Donald Trump claims he had a defective microphone at last Monday’s debate. Not only did it amplify all his sniffles, it made everything he said sound crazy and uninformed.
No Bones About It
Tyson Food Inc. is voluntarily recalling their Panko chicken nuggets after pieces of “hard white plastic” were discovered inside them. But at least for once customers knew what they were eating.
Alright, Start Talking
I can’t wait to see who loses the first presidential debate tonight – I mean, besides us.
Family First, I mean Second
Former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has decided he will vote for Donald Trump, even though Trump once called his wife ugly. And Mrs. Cruz has decided that Ted will never have sex again.
Sounds Like a Weiner
The FBI is now investigating Anthony Weiner for online chats with a 15-year-old girl, but he says he has “likely been the subject of a hoax.” Weiner’s wife is saying the exact same thing about her marriage to Anthony.
That’s My Line
Yesterday in Cleveland, boxing promoter Don King used the n-word at a church event just before introducing Donald Trump. King later apologized for the slip-up, stating he accidentally starting reading from Trump’s Teleprompter.
Gimme a D
The world is saddened to learn that Brangelina are splitting up. Gelina is asking for physical custody of the kids, whereas Bran just wants the letter “d” returned to his first name.
Tase the Rainbow
Donald Trump Jr. compared Syrian refugees to poisonous Skittles in a tweet last night in support of his father’s ideas on immigration. He then went on to suggest that Skittles should only come in one flavor – vanilla.