Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as host on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice. He’s the perfect guy to reprise Donald’s role as a power-hungry womanizer with a limited vocabulary.
Extended Play
Yesterday Aretha Franklin took so long to sing the national anthem that by the time she was done the Detroit Lions had already won the game.
Call Me When Santa’s On
I like to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade for the music. It’s a first look at all the up-and-coming new artists that won’t be around next year.
New Prescription
The Dr Pepper Snapple Group has purchased Bai antioxidant drinks in an effort to offer healthier alternatives. Dr Pepper finally realized that a Snapple a day does not keep the doctor away, but instead causes type 2 diabetes.
Bunch of Meatballs
A white nationalist group celebrated Trump’s victory at a Maggiano’s Italian restaurant, concluding their dinner with a chilling “Sieg Heil!” The restaurant was mortified, and has since apologized to the New Black Panthers for giving away their table.
Sh*t Show
Donald Trump needs to stop worrying about SNL and HAMILTON and start focusing on his upcoming situational comedy.
It’s 3am I Must Be Lonely
Donald Trump is so thin-skinned that if someone took away his smart phone he’d borrow someone else’s so he could tweet about how unfair it was.
It Sounds Cool
Donald Trump wants the cast of Hamilton to apologize to Mike Pence for what they put him through last night: A two and a half hour hip-hop musical about government.
GOPble GOPble
According to an annual report, this year the cost of preparing Thanksgiving is down. Because now that the republicans have swept the elections, we have a surplus of turkeys.
Alt-Right Hand Man
Trump’s soon-to-be chief strategist Steve Bannon is so overtly racist that even the Ku Klux Klan takes everything he says with a grain of salt.