A Southern Oklahoma day care center is under investigation for child abuse on suspicion of drugging children with liquid Benadryl to get them to sleep. Most of the parents are outraged as everyone knows you give them whiskey.
Ask Me No Questions
Donald Trump ejected Univision anchor Jorge Ramos from an Iowa press conference for asking questions about border control. Much to Trump’s chagrin, Mr. Ramos then worked his way back into the room through a series of underground tunnels.
Guys and Dolls
I got my friend an inflatable sex doll for his birthday, but as a goof I filled it with helium. He just called me in tears. Apparently he left the window open and she was hit by a plane.
Get Off My Train
The Napa Valley Wine Train is under scrutiny for booting a group of black women off of the train for laughing too loudly. While the women maintain they were removed because of their race, the engineer insists that they wouldn’t stop mocking his silly hat and overalls.
Rode Werk
I exspect more from my tax dollars.
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Just Between You and Me
Hillary Clinton can’t break free from this email scandal, and she’s doing nothing to help herself. Just this morning she called Congress a “douche bag” and accidentally hit “Reply All.”
Toasted
Former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle has pleaded guilty to child pornography charges. So it now appears that Quiznos’ “Spongmonkeys” weren’t that creepy after all.
Misdemean-her
Caitlyn Jenner is back in the news today, this time facing a possible manslaughter charge. The victim was Malibu resident Bruce Jenner.
Dog House
After hearing about the Ashley Madison hack I realized an opportunity for a new business venture. For those of you who have been outed as cheaters, please visit my website www.youcansleeponmysofa.com. Space is limited.
All the Accessories
My neighbor attached decorative “car lashes” to the headlights of her vehicle. I do admit they make her Volkswagon Beetle look quite stunning. But I’m feeling sexually conflicted because as she pulled away I also noticed the “truck nuts”.