Today SeaWorld San Diego is ending its long-running killer whale show after years of public outcry. It will be replaced with a new exhibit showcasing porpoises with non-violent criminal records.
Bosom Baddies
A California man serving a life sentence for murder has received sex re-assignment surgery and will be transferred to a women’s prison. Tom Hanks is already looking at a preliminary script.
Who Asked You
The problem with social media is that everyone thinks their opinion matters and needs to be heard. Well that’s my 2 cents.
Low on Fluids
In Dormont, PA, a woman gave birth at a car dealership while waiting to get an oil change. The mother and child are both doing fine and will head home once they finish the tire rotation.
Someone Sure Dropped the Ball
If Dick Clark had been alive to see Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on his legendary show, I bet he would’ve had a stroke.
You Drive
Last night my Uber driver was so drunk I had to give him a ride home.
Hit the Road, Джэк
President Obama has ordered 35 Russian diplomats to leave the country for meddling in our election. Donald Trump has offered the diplomats his sofa until Obama cools off.
Never Missed a Party
The inventor of the red Solo cup has died at 84. His family has asked that, in lieu of flowers, please send paper plates and napkins.
Yeezus the Clown
Kanye West’s hair is now yellow and pink. I guess he misunderstood his critics when they told him to go away and die.
All Sales Final
I just heard that 10% of Christmas gifts are returned every year. Now I have to figure out which of my ten friends is the ungrateful bastard.