Last night celebrity host Steve Harvey accidentally crowned the wrong woman Miss Universe. Today Miss Philippines sits on the victory throne while Miss Colombia sits face down in a mountain of cocaine.
Bad Hair Day
I ran into Chewbacca at the European Wax Center this morning. His girlfriend was trying to talk him into getting a “manzilian”, but he was concerned that it might grow back thicker.
From Corellia With Love
I’m hearing that this Harrison Ford guy is doing a good job in the newest chapter of the Star Wars saga. Even so, for my money, Sean Connery was always the best Han Solo.
I’m Stuffed
Tonight I binge-watched 4 episodes of FX’s crime-drama Fargo. I finally exercised some self-control and turned it off – so I could get through the last 6 episodes of HBO’s Game of Thrones.
Louder Than Words
Last night Jeb Bush told Donald Trump, “you’re not going to be able to insult your way to the presidency.” And for the first time Trump remained silent, as he administered to Jeb a tremendous wedgie.
Hey Hey Hey-nious Crimes
Bill Cosby has filed a defamation suit against 7 of his accusers. He claims that these women have caused so much damage to his career that even Fat Albert has stopped talking to him.
Eat Something, Santa
A Toronto model known as “Fashion Santa” has caught the eye of many women by taking on a slimmer and hipper version of the Christmas icon. Mrs. Claus commented that she finds this portrayal most unappealing, but she’s always been a chubby chaser.
Fight for Me
NFL quarterback Michael Vick went to Washington to lobby for a law to protect animals left in hot vehicles. He argued that a hot car is no place for a dog. That dog belongs in the ring.
Man Down
I have always been attracted to sharp-tongued women who are only out to hurt me. I asked my mother for her thoughts on the matter. She told me to stop being such a pussy and then she kicked me in the nuts.
Honey Don’t
Ringo Starr has fallen on hard times. Not only did he auction off his iconic Beatles drum kit this past weekend, I heard he had to take a second job selling shoes at the Skechers store.