They say that a lot of comedians suffer from depression. When I first learned that I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks.
Non-Compete Clause
The entire Russian Olympic team could be banned from the summer games for systemic doping, demonstrating the extreme measures athletes are taking to get out of going to Rio.
He’s a Charmer
Last night at the RNC Ted Cruz was booed offstage, seemingly for not endorsing Donald Trump. It was later discovered that he was booed offstage just for being Ted Cruz.
Packing Heat
The TSA has seized more than 1,500 guns from carry-on bags since January, forcing travelers to purchase cheaply made and overpriced weapons from the airport gift shop once through security.
Copy and Paste
Melania Trump might have plagiarized portions of her RNC speech from Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech. Making matters worse, this morning she was caught yanking carrots out of the First Lady’s vegetable garden.
Business Model
Tonight Melanie Trump will take center stage at the Republican National Convention. Donald has advised her to speak from the heart, and to try not to embarrass herself.
Drop the Mike
Donald Trump has picked Indiana governor Mike Pence as his running mate. This guy is so anti-LGBT that he only writes with a 22-letter alphabet.
Eight is Enough
Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger will father his eighth child at age 72. Jagger claims he would have worn a condom had he known about them.
Quit Playing Games
I don’t even know what Pokemon Go is, but I’m ready to declare war on anyone under 30.
Finger Lickin’? Good!
A new study shows that thumb-sucking in young children may be protective against allergies, whereas thumb-sucking in adulthood is just plain weird.