Ultra Music Fest is taking place in Miami this weekend. It’s where America’s youth can behave like animals while listening to total garbage. Like a Trump rally for kids.
Monthly Archives: March 2016
On the Ropes
Hulk Hogan is suing gossip website Gawker for posting a video of him having sex with his best friend’s wife. Hogan claims that just like professional wrestling, it wasn’t real.
Catch Me If You Can
I finally caught that naked leprechaun who was sneaking around my apartment yesterday. Now it’s his turn to chase me.
Go Green
This morning a naked leprechaun ran straight through my apartment. I did all that I could to stop him, but he was on a lucky streak.
Bum Tip
A homeless man from San Francisco was the one who helped police capture the escaped inmates from Orange County jail last month. Authorities were going to give him the $100,000 reward, but then decided he’d probably just spend it on whiskey.
Leaked Footage
A video has surfaced in which a Kellogg’s employee is casually urinating on a cereal assembly line. Frosted Flakes representative Tony the Tiger went on record saying THEY’RE GR-R-REATly disturbed by the incident.
Take the Compliment
This afternoon a woman told me she didn’t like my beard. I thought that was kind of rude. And I had just told her how much I liked hers.
Low Spirits
A brawl broke out on a Spirit Airline flight and a video has since gone viral. I haven’t seen so many stupid people behaving this badly since yesterday’s Trump rally.
Secret Ingredient
Nestle USA is recalling millions of its frozen dinners because they may contain glass. However, outside the danger of cutting yourself, the nutritional value of most of their meals has actually increased.
Drag of a Race
NASCAR CEO Brian France is receiving internal backlash for endorsing Donald Trump. It appears that the average race car fan feels that Donald might give white trash a bad name.