The National Institute of Health has decided to retire 300 of its government research chimpanzees to a federal sanctuary called “Chimp Haven.” Here they will enjoy their golden years – watching FOX news and wishing their children would visit them.
Monthly Archives: November 2015
Look at That Face
People magazine has named David Beckham 2015’s sexiest man alive. Snubbed again was amateur Facebook comedian, Jon Curtis Rose.
Born Yesterday
An Arizona Highway Patrolman assisted a pregnant woman with a roadside delivery yesterday evening. The officer quickly assessed the situation and then ordered the baby to come out with his hands up.
Manly Men
Charlie Sheen announced this morning that he has been HIV-positive for the past 4 years. Yet still, Jon Cryer is the one who can’t get laid.
Just the Two of Us
Two zebras escaped from a Philadelphia circus on sunday. They were headed to Kentucky, hoping to get front row seats at the soon-to-open Ark Encounter theme park.
No Myth
It is no longer certain that Marco Rubio or Jeb Bush will secure the presidential primary in their home state. Republicans are now leaning toward Everglades resident and “Grassroots” candidate, the Florida Skunk Ape. He’s tougher on gator crime.
Keepin’ Out of Mischief Now
Minnesota dentist and Cecil-the-lion killer Walter Palmer is back in the news, this time for an illegal deer hunt on his own property. It seems as if Dr. Palmer went to the George Zimmerman/O.J. Simpson school of “How to Lay Low.”
An Inconvenient Truth
Bon Jovi and Elton John will be headlining a 24-hour concert to raise climate change awareness. Because of our growing dependency on Spotify and Pandora, the entire music industry could soon be underwater.
Benched
Today I reported for jury duty but was dismissed almost immediately. I didn’t even get to tell them about my most recent UFO sighting, or my thoughts on 9/11.
Sketch Artist
Donald Trump hosted Saturday Night Live last night. Although he gave the show a much-needed ratings boost, I thought he was funnier in the last 3 Republican debates.