Most people would say I’m fairly mild-mannered. But that’s because they haven’t seen me when I get quietly perturbed. Consider yourself warned.
Monthly Archives: July 2015
Eye in the Sky
As I enter the grocery store and glance up at the video surveillance monitor, I experience 2 emotions. First, a feeling of security in knowing that no one is getting out of here without paying for that head of lettuce. And second, a feeling of insecurity as I can clearly see how far my hair loss has progressed.
Money Trouble
I have an unhealthy relationship with money. No matter how much loose change I eat it’s never enough. Some people can stop on a dime – not me. My family has granted me no quarter. It has cost me a pretty penny in medical bills, plus I think I’m dying of nickel poisoning.
Home Invasion
Last night I came home to find my apartment in total disarray. I called the police to report the break-in and they said they’d be right over. I quickly cleaned and dusted my entire place as I couldn’t bear the thought of having house guests the way things currently looked.
Little Havana
Yesterday I visited Little Havana in Miami. While I was there I smoked a miniature cigar, drank a tiny mojito, and danced to the music of little Celia Cruz, Cuba’s most famous dwarf.
New Age Ants
I have a flying ant problem in my apartment. I sprayed them with a solution of peppermint oil and soapy water. It actually worked. Never has aromatherapy and a bubble bath been so deadly.
Cat Skin
The saying goes, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” That may be true. But no matter how you do it, you’re gonna want to wear gloves.
Nude Sleeper
Last night I slept in the nude for a change. It was liberating and freeing. The other passengers on my flight were less enthusiastic.
’70s Singer/Songwriter
My favorite ’70s singer/songwriter is now back on tour with a new album. This guy disappeared from the music scene for years, converted to Islam, and adopted a Muslim name. Of course, I am speaking of Yusuf James Taylor.
Wish List
Today I made 3 wishes. First, I wished for 6-pack abs. Secondly, I wished for huge biceps. And thirdly, I wished for a new physical trainer because I’m not getting the results I want from my fairy godmother.