Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he and his wife will be donating 99% of their company stock to charitable causes over the course of their life. Upon hearing this news, their newborn baby daughter uttered her first words – “Wait…what now?”
Category Archives: current events
Back Door Man
Yesterday a man wrapped in an American flag climbed over the White House fence. Someone needs to tell Jeb Bush that he’s starting to look a little desperate.
Fill ‘er Up
More Americans are hitting the roads this holiday weekend thanks to the cheapest gas prices since 2008 – or maybe it’s due to the imminent threat of domestic terrorism. Either way, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I’ll Take It
The dress that Judy Garland wore in the ‘Wizard of Oz’ was sold at auction yesterday for $1.5 million. While that was way out my price range, I did return home with a pair of Jockey shorts famously worn by Munchkin #26. Classic, but a little tight.
Dummy Check
The Texas state board of education voted against allowing university experts to fact-check their text books. It’s actually a smart move, as those university experts were all educated in Texas.
Sacré Bleu
Celine Dion will perform a musical tribute for the people of France this Sunday night on the American Music Awards. Hasn’t Paris suffered enough?
Close Enough
The FDA has approved genetically modified salmon for human consumption, stating that there are “no biologically relevant differences” to farm-raised Atlantic salmon. Said Aquaman, “I ain’t eating that sh*t.”
Monkey Town
The National Institute of Health has decided to retire 300 of its government research chimpanzees to a federal sanctuary called “Chimp Haven.” Here they will enjoy their golden years – watching FOX news and wishing their children would visit them.
Look at That Face
People magazine has named David Beckham 2015’s sexiest man alive. Snubbed again was amateur Facebook comedian, Jon Curtis Rose.
Born Yesterday
An Arizona Highway Patrolman assisted a pregnant woman with a roadside delivery yesterday evening. The officer quickly assessed the situation and then ordered the baby to come out with his hands up.